Friday, January 28, 2011

Focus on What Matters

Ok I’ll get it off my chest.  There were swimsuits, there were almost tears, and there was a bad mood that ensued for the rest of the day.  I’m only human so I have days where trying on swimsuits sends me into a self loathing frenzy of “depression”. 

bathing suit

This is the one that finally sent me over the edge (obvi: this is not me)

I work out five days a week (most weeks) and yet I still don’t see what I like in the mirror.  My husband suggests that I’m looking for perfection but the flaws I see are real.  So I’ve sat around most of the day contemplating why it matters. 

My children see me as a mom who wipes their tears, feeds them food and shows them constant love and support.  They know I exercise to make myself healthy and don’t even know the concept of exercising to make one’s self skinny.  So no, my kids don’t care what I look like in my swimsuit.  They just see mom.

OBX 2010 208

I guess I worry that I’ll be judged— that people will think I should look a certain way because I work out a certain number of days a week or run long miles on the weekend.  I myself wonder why I look the way I do when I work so hard.  It forces to me to look at an unpleasant reality and that is the FOOD. 

Christmas Cookies 2010 017

Honestly, I don’t even want to go there.  I want to enjoy what I eat and not worry about “consequences”.  I don’t want to go to the place of craving the foods I “can’t have” because I’m restricting certain foods from my diet.  It just doesn’t work for me. 

So I have two choices:  continue to live the life I am and accept what I see or restrict my way to 10 pounds lighter and most likely STILL not like what I see.  Neither one will make me happy, neither one will necessarily make me any healthier and neither one is going to make me love me in a swimsuit. 

After much contemplation I realize I wasted a valuable day sulking over something that just doesn’t matter.  I think I’ll go focus on something that does.



Anonymous said...

You are loved!

Anonymous said...

Revelation - believe it! xoxoxo G.

Ron said...

It's easy for everyone to say that Susan you look great stop worrying about it. I guess the best thing I can tell you is that your husband and your kids love you very much, and its not because of what you look like in a swimsuit or in sweatpants. They love their mom, they love their wife. I have come to the realization that no one judges me outside of my home except myself, and even if they do, its only to calm their own personal insecurities. Head up lady! Watch and episode of Heavy on A&E and that bathing suit will suddenly seem irrelevant.

A-Nik said...

Being healthy is the most important thing because that means you will be around for your kids for a long long time. Being "skinny" doesn't mean you are know that!! Keep doing what you do! Now...unless winning the Miss Hawaiian Tropic title is on your Bucket List, I'd put the swimsuit nonsense to bed! Love you!

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