Today I’ve come to the realization that my baby isn’t a baby anymore. I guess it was brought on by Jack (now 3 1/2 years old) stopping thumb sucking. Although I knew Jack should probably stop, and even attempted to get him to stop, I secretly kind of liked that he did. It made him my baby. It gave me something to hang on to from the “baby” years.
I’ve struggled in the past with wanting more babies so every now and again, I remind myself how I’ve arrived at the place of “being done”.
After the birth of Nicholas and then Ella, George and I decided we were finished having kids. I went back on birth control pills for the first time in 4 years, but we never did anything “permanent” to make sure we didn’t have any more children.
Everyone said we had the perfect life, the perfect family— one boy, one girl. I agreed we had a pretty special family, but something inside me wanted more. I couldn’t stop the feeling of wanting to have more children, to give and receive more love, to hold a baby that was my own. It wasn’t a feeling that I could just push aside. It was a strong, deep desire that called me and one I wasn’t willing to quiet.
There were conversations, there were probably tears and there was no way to compromise. You can’t negotiate about having a baby. You’re either in or you’re not. I was in, George wasn’t.
Well, we all know how the story ends. I did “negotiate” and Jack Thomas was born September 5, 2007 to two VERY happy parents. He’s filled our life with love and laughter. I definitely view his birth, as I do all my children’s births, as a precious gift.
There was only one problem—the feeling of wanting more never went away. I still have moments where I see a baby and it melts my heart. It takes me back to 3:00 in the morning during a feeding when you’re tired and cranky, but you still feel love. A love so strong you would die for it.
I’m willing to suppress the feeling I have because I realize a mother’s love has no bounds—no limits. I could probably have 25 children and still feel the desire to give and receive more love. I’m fine with knowing I’m capable of loving more, but I’m delighted with MY “perfect” life.