Today as I woke up, I allowed negative thoughts about working out to creep into my mind. I planned to do CrossFit today and I'll admit it still intimidates me A LOT because it's just so damn hard. Then I said to myself, "Self, you can go into this with a good attitude or a bad attitude and having a bad attitude isn't going to do you any good." So I decided right then and there, in my car on the way to CrossFit, to have a GREAT attitude. I promised myself, no matter how hard the workout looked when I looked at the board, I'd still keep a good attitude.
So yeah, that didn't seem so bad to me. Not the first part of the WOD anyway. It was a 15 minute AMRAP (As Many Rounds As Possible) of pull ups (jumping for me), burpees, and hang and clean split jerks 75 lbs Rx (I used 45 lbs). You "climbed the ladder" with each round, starting with 2 of each exercise and increasing it by 2 with each round. So the first rounds was 2 pull ups, 2 burpees, 2 hang clean split jerks the next was 4 of each and so on.
I attacked this part of the workout with my good attitude and managed to bust out 6 full rounds plus 14 pull ups. A good attitude does prove to go a long way.
But then.... Ugh
We had to do 100 Ab Mat Sit ups (this is a FULL sit up with legs straight), 100 flutter kicks and 100 glute lifts. Then 75 of each, 50 of each and 25 of each. As soon as we started the two girls to my left started busting out the sit ups like nobody's business. One girl is another one of the CrossFit instructors. She was going so fast, I couldn't even comprehend it. I felt like I was moving through molasses and I just couldn't get myself to go faster.
This is when the negative thoughts started to creep into my head. I started telling myself I'm an idiot for coming to CrossFit and everyone else is better than I. I was 20 reps into the first set of sit ups and I wanted to die. My abs were burning and I wasn't even a quarter of the way there. FOR JUST THE SIT UPS!! The other girls were moving past me so quickly. With each sit up 38, 39, 40 I had so much negative talk in my head. I was already picturing everyone standing over me at the end tapping their feet waiting for me to finish (ok they wouldn't really tap their feet).
Then suddenly something in my brain snapped and I had a conversation with myself and told myself who I am. I'm the type of person who always gives 100% in EVERYTHING I do. It's just who I am. I don't do things half assed. It's not in my nature. I am a mother of 3 small children, I'm training for a marathon and right now I'm pretty much a single parent. I drive my kids nearly 60 miles a day to and from school and their activities, logging nearly 2 hours of driving each day. I'm doing the best I can to keep my head above water in most areas of my life right now. And even if all that were NOT true, I'm still just me. I'm a mom at CrossFit giving 100% of what I have to give.
I'm not going to worry any more if I'm the slowest or the weakest. I'm doing the best I can and I'm just me. So if someone needs to feel good about themselves because they can do more pull ups or sit ups, then let them (although I doubt anyone feels that way). I'll be the sacrificial lamb. The thing is, it doesn't matter. I'm just me. My workouts are for me and no one else. I don't need to waste time and energy during a workout wondering if someone else thinks I'm good enough. I know I gave 100% today and it was REALLY hard, but there's only one way to make it get easier. Keep going and keep being ME!