I saw this little picture on Instagram today.... it got me thinking.
You know what happens when I think? It becomes a blog post.
I have nothing profound to say, but this really spoke volumes to me. I wish I could go back to talk to my younger self about a lot of things, but one thing is about how women should treat other women.
I feel like my life is a constant "competition." I know a lot of other mothers (women in general) feel that way too. Am I doing good enough? Am I spending enough time with my kids? Am I dressing well enough? Am I skinny enough? Add all the running and CrossFit and my general suckiness (yes that's a word) at it all, and often times I just don't feel that great about myself. I don't feel like I'm measuring up.
Reading this reminded me that it's so childish to compare and compete. To me it's a natural tendency, but something I really don't like about myself. I'm constantly measuring up to other people and realizing, in my own mind, that I'm not as good. Whoa! I know it's not good, but I do it. I think it's because I think other people will think less of me because their house is nicer, or because they're skinny without working out, or whatever. I constantly pick myself apart for being less than the woman standing next to me. I'm competing!
Confession: I've been embarrassed of my running lately and I've sat down to blog about it numerous time, but couldn't find it within myself to type the words out. I'm so ashamed that I went from running a 2:06 half marathon (without giving it my best effort) to running a 2:24 half 2 weeks ago. I'm afraid all of you think I'm a joke. Why would anyone want to read a blog about a runner who can't even run? I've thought so many times over the past few months about stopping blogging altogether.
I'm mad. I'm mad at my body, for not doing what I want it to do. I'm mad at myself for not taking an active role in my health. Something is wrong with my legs, yet I've taken no steps beyond the MRI to see what it is. I guess I fear that I'll be told that it's nothing, but I know I'm in pain every time I run. It makes me not want to run and that makes me want to cry. So much of who I am revolves around running and I miss being able to do it the way I want to. Why do I care though? That's the real question.
I care because I'm competing. I'm trying to measure up to... to I don't know who. To you! The person reading this. To all my running friends who are much faster than I am. To my husband's cousin's sister's brother (not really) who once ran a half in 1:37. I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough and I'm constantly feeling embarrassed and ashamed.
Now that I've written it out, I feel better. I feel better admitting to you, my little blog readers, that I am vulnerable and I have flaws.
Today, reading these little words "Girls compete with each other, women empower one another" reminded me why I started this blog in the first place. Listen, I'm under no delusions. I don't have the biggest blog or the best and I don't have nearly the readership that so many do, but as long as someone is reading then I'll be writing. I'll be writing because almost 3 years ago I set out to empower just one other woman and I now know I've reached many.
So women, I say to you (and to myself) stop competing. Stop trying to measure up. Stop trying to be anything better than who you are at this particular moment. Life if full of ebbs and flows. There will be 2:06 half marathon and there will be 2:24 half marathons, but neither one defines me. Neither one makes me a better or worse PERSON.
So I'll keep writing and keep trying to do what I set out to do almost three years ago. EMPOWER other women (and men too). I don't have to be the best to do it, I just have to me.
Thank you for being here for me little blog friends.