Tuesday, July 30, 2013

My Two Cents on the Wisest Words

I saw this on Facebook and I thought I'd give you my 2 cents on each of the "100 wisest words".  I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you how I felt about this list.  Maybe because I thought of the 100 "wisest words" about 10 were truly wise.  Some good advice yes, but the wisest words are probably things like... "I have this idea called Google"  or "I do solemnly swear to tell the truth".  Anyway, hopefully it's good for a laugh.  

A high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words 

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

Caaaaaaanon Baaaaaaaaaall

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

How else would I do it?  Oh yes, email is a better choice.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.


Sorry but furry conventions aren't for everyone.  Knock knock! 

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.


Or 2 

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.


Unless you don't vote, then you don't get a say. 

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.


Also don't tell anyone anything you don't want printed on the front page of the newspaper.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.


Or my personal favorite, the granny shot. 

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.


I think she came up with this one when she was at the beach.  Bikinis should not come in certain sizes.  Nor should speedos. 

9. Don’t dumb it down.


Huh?  

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.


This is for men everywhere!!!!  

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.


The dressers in hotels have never been used.  Have they?  Just me?  

12. Never park in front of a bar.


I'm not sure why we're driving to the bar in the first place.  Shouldn't we be walking stumbling home?  

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.


I never understood why people get so bent out of shape about this, but then again is that 1.5 inch recline really helping?  

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.


I've don't have a picture of any of these things.  In fact, I've never had a fish.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.


In other words maybe you should be looking for heros in places other than Hollywood.  

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.


It's not a PhD so go ahead and burn under the bulbs, but I don't suggest it for other reasons rather than "earning" it.  

17. Never lie to your doctor.


I've always wondered if people are honest on those questionnaires.  I mean who admits to a doctor that they do recreational drugs?  

18. All guns are loaded.


Better safe than sorry 


19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.


Clearly 


20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.


Or post a pic, it lasts longer.  

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

How long is this vacation?  


22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

Life is about consuming the bread.  Life is too short.  


23. A handshake beats an autograph.

But, but, but you can sell the autograph on Ebay.


24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

No one wants flies in the kitchen. 

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

Not sure of this one.  I've never chosen to go in drag.  Not sure why this is one of the wisest lessons.  


26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

Stupid freckles 


27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

Dumb and Dumber 


28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

I just can't spend $$$$$$ on sheets.  I'm not Oprah.  


29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

I don't have a desk. 


30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

Make new friends, but keep they old.  One is silver and the other's gold.  (Girl Scouts!)


31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

Thankful to those that ate with me.  +Jennifer


32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

Here's a story about this.  

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

I wrote an apology to a girl I went to high school with when I found her on Facebook.  It was overdue and a much deserved apology.  I felt much better after I did it. 


34. Don’t pose with booze.


Just hide it behind your back. 


35. If you have the right of way, take it.


I hate when people wave me on at the 4 way stop and they were clearly there first.  HATE IT!!! 


36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

Wrong!  It took me awhile, but I finally got George to call me Princess. 


37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

Poor George. 


38. Never push someone off a dock.

Or they might lose their sunglasses and you'll feel bad and have to buy them an expensive gift card.  


39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

Good call


40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

I'm not sure there's a whole lot to live up to in my family gene pool.  Hahaha


41. Don’t make a scene.

Um, it's rare I don't.  


42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

I agree.  No one cares.  Always thank your mother and your spouse.  


43. Know when to ignore the camera.

When you have a zit or haven't showered.  


44. Never gloat.

Who me?  Did I ever tell you about the time I won .... ok clearly I don't have much gloating to do.  


45. Invest in good luggage.

Why?  So it can be ruined by baggage handlers and then you bring it to their attention and they tell you you can pick a similar bag from their discarded items.  


46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

Really?  Not that I'd mind spending time with my mom, but since when is one's birthday about anyone but oneself?  


47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

Haha is it a mixer?  Oh shit it is?  hahaha


48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

I don't even know what this means. 


49. Give credit. Take blame.

Solid. 


50. Suck it up every now and again.

Suck it in too!  


51. Never be the last one in the pool.

Again, this is important why? 


52. Don’t stare.

Also solid. Although I've been accused of it MANY times.  Those that know me, know the Susan face.  I don't even know I'm doing it. 


53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

Hmmm everyone?  


54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

Bullies are mean.  Mean people suck. 


55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

.........


56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

Luckily I'm never wrong. 


57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

No one likes a quitter. 


58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

It's kind of hard when he's in the car and didn't let me merge over.  "Thanks a lot @$$hole"  See, hard to look him in the eye. 


59. Thank the bus driver.

I ALWAYS do this.  How hard is it to say thanks for helping me to arrive safely with no seat belts.  


60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

EVER, because then you might miss out on filling up on bread. 


61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.  ;)  


62. Know at least one good joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?  


63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.


Well that mother should see # 61 


64. Know how to cook one good meal.

Check 


65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

Check 


66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

Wait what?  Whose reputation mine or theirs?  


67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

What is never have I ever for $1000 Alex?  


68. Dance with your mother/father.

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty. 


69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

Also known as flipping your shit and that's never cool, especially at work.  


70. Always thank the host.

I was taught this at a young age.  Kids today... Not so much.  


71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

What's this butto.... EJECT!!!!!  


72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

And refer to it as the perfect size X as my husband always does.  :D


73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

Or a ringer T if you're George Tirch


74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

Must improve upon this. 


75. Keep your word.

I can't stand a flake.  Worst character flaw ever.  


76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

haha I was such a nerd and always sat front row (until I got IN to pharmacy school and then I didn't have anyone to impress anymore).  


77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

Fine.  


78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

The people I am NOT patient with are the morons in line with me.  What don't you understand about remove EVERYTHING.  No you can't keep that sweatshirt tied around your waist.  Yes taking off your shoes applies to YOU too.  Laptop goes in a special container.... this is NOT rocket science and you should be able to accomplish these tasks fairly quickly after standing around watching everyone else do them for 20 minutes.  


79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

Shhhhhh the movie's starting


80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

The same sex like people that shower too.  


81. You are what you do, not what you say.

I thought you are what you eat.  Who changed it?  


82. Learn to change a tire.

Or marry a guy that will do it for you.  I prefer the latter.  


83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

Be kind.  No reason necessary.  


84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

I miss my PaPa. 


85. Don’t litter.

I don't, but seriously if people didn't, who would adopt all those roads? 


86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

Um, my opinion doesn't mean jack shit.  She's doing whatever she wants to do regardless of how I feel.  hahahaha


87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

Correct, correct, I seriously doubt it.  Why inflate my ego?  I'll always just be average and I'm ok with that. 


88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

Text them first and see if they're awake. 


89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

Ok 


90. Make the little things count.

Nicholas, Ella and Jack, start counting!  


91. Always wear a bra at work.

Um how about, always wear a bra. 


92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

I always preferred sultry.  Leaving a little to the imagination is always better.  Too bad that the imagination is probably also better than the real thing, which leads me back to... leave a little to the imagination.  


93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

Fact 


94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

Did a man write this? 


95. Know the words to your national anthem.

Some of the words are so confusing.  O'er the ramparts we watched?  What does that even mean?  



96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.

Who said I was all alone?  Maybe others don't want to make fools of themselves either!  


97. Smile at strangers.

They'll think you're up to something. 


98. Make goals.

Preferably a hat trick.  ;) 


99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

But being lame is.  


100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.


Or learn how to run really fast.  

Do you have your 2 cents you'd like to add?  What do you think about the wisest list? 

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