Sunday, August 11, 2013

Dear Nicholas 2013

Dearest Nicholas: 

Where do I begin?  I feel like I say the same thing every year-- I can't believe how big you are!  I can't believe you, my baby, are 10 years old!  How can that even be possible?  

But it IS true and you are 10 years old despite me feeling as though you were born just yesterday.  I can't even imagine how quickly the next 10 years will go.  I'm holding on tight.

First, I want to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for being too hard on you, yelling at you and having expectations for you that are sometimes too high.   I think I expect so much from you because you are my first born and you have always been so "perfect".  So when you're not, I forget myself and I get "mad".

I guess the only thing I can say is that mommies aren't perfect either and I pray every single day that I will be a good mommy to you.  I pray that God will grant me patience to deal with everything on my plate and make me the best mom I can be and that's really my biggest goal in life.

The truth is, you make me so proud in EVERY SINGLE way.  Whether it is school work or sports or being a polite young man, you make me proud.  I honestly couldn't ask for a better child and I wouldn't want you to be anything more than you are right now.

I love everything about you.  I love your personality.  You are definitely very shy, but you come out of your shell around those that you know.  Of course you're yourself around your family and your goofiness makes me giggle.

I love your competitiveness (you definitely get that from your dad).  You want to be the best at everything you do and most of it seems to come naturally.  When it doesn't, you'll work hard to achieve what you want.

I love your smile and your laugh.  There's nothing I like more than to see you cracking up.  You're often times serious, so when you're laughing and having a good time it fills my heart with so much happiness.

One thing I'd like to tell you is to remember how awesome you are.  Sometimes I don't think you give yourself enough credit.  You don't take as much pride in your accomplishments as you should.  Sure it's good to be humble, but taking pride in your achievements is totally fine.

I love that you're detail oriented and you like to gather information.  You're attention to detail is amazing.  Of course this relates to the things that you care about (sports, sports, sports).  Even though I tease you, I love that you always need to know EXACTLY what is going on.  You're not happy if you've missed a single step.

I love that you're just like me when it comes to some things.  You become obsessed with something and you can't let it go until you know everything about it.  If it's a particular item you want, you'll eat, sleep and breath thinking about it until you get it.

You absolutely hate "preppy clothes" but you'll wear them if I "make" you.  I think you secretly know how handsome you look.  Sure it's not your preference, but I still think you kind of like the way you look.

I love that you're a kid and not really growing up too fast.  You're very sweet and pretty innocent and I like it that way.  There's no sense in growing up too fast.

My biggest fear, is that one day the look of love for your mama will leave your sweet eyes.  That look in your eyes melts my heart and I know it will fade with time.  Until then, I'll soak it all in and keep that feeling very near and dear to my heart.

You might be 10 years old, but you'll always be my little guy.  I'll always pull you close for a hug and sneak a smell of your head.  You've always had your "smell" and sometimes I'll smell your pillow when you're not around.

Thank you for making me a mom and teaching me how to truly love.  I couldn't imagine my life without you being my oldest child.  I couldn't imagine a life without YOU!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy.



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