Thursday, August 8, 2013

Too Thin?

Yesterday my sister told me I was looking "too thin" and I had to laugh because I'm actually at my "heavy weight".  

Then I was chatting with a friend on Facebook and she told me I looked good and that "even my neck was skinny".  That made me laugh too, but also made me reflect on the feelings about my body.

You see, I tend to fluctuate between 132 and 142.  Where do you think I feel my best?  Of course at 132.

August 2012 132lbs

Lately, I can tell I'm on the higher end of my weight fluctuation and it makes me feel very bad about myself.  I imagine when people see me that haven't seen me in awhile, they think to themselves "she's put on the weight".  

At the pool I'm incredibly self conscious and I feel like everyone is judging me.  When I went 4 wheeling this past weekend and saw the pictures of myself, I cringed.  

Me fixing my shirt so I wouldn't "look fat"

So how do I feel so badly about myself when people are telling me the opposite?   The thing is, it doesn't really matter to me what everyone else thinks, it's really how I feel about myself.  Listen, I get it.  I'm almost 40 years old, I have had three kids and I like to eat food that I probably shouldn't eat.  I don't expect to have a PERFECT body and I'm not striving for perfection.  I'm just trying to feel comfortable in my own skin and I want to feel proud of my body.  I don't want to have to "hide it".

So here I am, most likely 142 pounds (or close to it) and I'm feeling down.

July 2013 140ish  

This post has no point really, other than to say that I'm not feeling my best and talking about it might spark something inside myself to do something about it.  The point is, if you want something you have to work for it.  There's no easy way out.  You can't out exercise a bad diet and you can't expect results if you're not putting in the effort.  Here's what a year of slacking off in the eating department has changed things.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and while I don't really believe my happiness is defined by a number on the scale, I know being a certain weight does make me feel good.

Please understand that my issues with MY body are just that-- MY issues.  I don't think that you have to be a certain weight or number to be fit or healthy.  I do believe that it is important to feel good about YOURSELF no matter what anyone else thinks (even if what they think is incredibly sweet).

So no I don't think I'm too thin.  I also don't think I'm too fat, but I want the feeling of feeling proud of my body and I just don't have it right now.


Megan said...

You look great but I totally understand where you are coming from. I had a break down days before we went on vacation and didn't want to go cause "I was too fat to go to the beach"

Susan Tirch said...

Sad we do this to ourselves!! :D

Kortni said...

Crazy how I just printed out a prayer about not having a warped perspective about myself and my body. I am not saying your perspective is warped because it is so not! I just find it ironic. I think you look great all the time, but I totally get it. Just like you said in the Runner post about running being such a mental game. What our mind does to our self image is just as awful at times. For me it is like constantly running uphill!

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