Thursday, January 9, 2014

Snow Days and Baby Making

I thought I'd share a bit of a personal story with you today.  It all sparked from so many of my Facebook friends complaining about their kids being home due to snow days, delays, etc.  The day I go on Facebook and bitch and moan about having to spend extra time with my kids, is the day I die.

Now don't get me wrong, I get it.  You're cooped up in the house, some people couldn't go outside, and you just want back in your normal routine.  I do understand and I'm not judging really.  I'm just asking parents to stop and think for a moment how badly you once wanted that child and how sad you'd be if he/she never came to be.

That got me thinking about how my children came to be and the struggle I had to conceive and I thought maybe I'd share.  Maybe someday (when I'm dead) my kids will read this and know how badly I wanted them all and how much they are loved.

So go back to 2001.  George and I had been together for over 6 years and we were FINALLY getting married in December.  As part of the preparation for getting married in the Catholic church, we were required to take pre cana classes.  I didn't think much of it to be honest.  It was something we HAD to do, so I was going to do it.

I went into the class in the mindset that George and I would wait to have children.  Everyone says, wait before you have kids-- travel, get to know one another, etc. etc.  I was all into it.  I really just wasn't in to having kids (right then) at all.

One night as part of the pre cana class an older catholic married couple came in to talk to us.  The couple had several children (now all grown) and they talked about them being a gift and all the wonderful things that children bring.  Yeah, yeah I get it.  But then they started talking about God's will and allowing children to come into your life when HE decided.  Now some of you might think this is all just Catholic propaganda, and I'm sure it was, but it worked.

I don't know what they said struck such a cord, but it did.  It was kind of a light bulb moment.  Why am I trying to control this sort of thing?  Why don't I let it be His will and not my own?  So right then and there I decided, I'd let God decide when it was my time and not decide it for myself.

George and I got married in December, and without trying (but obviously not NOT trying) we were pregnant in February.  I was shocked and excited and every emotion you can imagine.  From the get go the pregnancy was "sketchy" for lack of a better term.  I had spotting and issues and eventually I lost that baby at about 12 weeks.

Well, I don't know if you've ever lost a baby and I'm sure everyone deals with this sort of thing differently, but I became obsessed with having a baby.  It was all I thought about.  I planned, I tracked, I obsessed, I peed on a stick (about 100 times a month) and I felt disappointment like nothing else I had ever experienced with each negative result.

Luckily for me I became pregnant again in June, and August (obviously I lost those 2 babies).  So yeah, I had lost 3 babies in 6 months time and I'll be honest, I was no longer satisfied with accepting "god's will".  I wanted a baby and I wanted it now.

September-- negative.  Agony.  Defeat. Crying. Sadness.  Anger.  I ran the gamut of emotions.
October-- negative.  Agony.  Defeat. Crying. Sadness.  Anger.  All over again
November-- negative More Agony.  More Defeat. More Crying. More Sadness.  More Anger.

Somewhere along the line, however, I gained some perspective.  I remember God's will and I accepted that my time would come when it was supposed to.  I also figured out the reason I wasn't maintaining my pregnancies was due to low progesterone.  I was armed and ready for my next cycle.

Now I can't say that I wasn't still obsessed, I was definitely obsessed, but I had let so much of the anger and sadness go.  I was accepting of placing it in God's hands and knew I'd be blessed with a baby someday.

December came and Nicholas was conceived on Christmas day (TMI... sorry).  I don't think it was a coincidence that God gave me my greatest gift on his son's birthday.  I always say, it was a Christmas miracle-- and to me it was.

Almost one year from the day I got married (December 29th) I became pregnant with Nicholas.  One year full of obsession and heartbreak.  One year coming back full circle to the lesson I learned in pre cana classes.  One year of yearning and longing for something so badly and one year of accepting God's will and eventually his blessing.

I'll NEVER forget that year and the raw emotion associated with it and I'll never, for one day, take my kids for granted because of it.

Ok I couldn't not share this.  It took me OVER A YEAR of trying  to conceive Ella.  After being pregnant 4 times in one year, I couldn't get pregnant once.  The obsession built again and it stayed full tilt until I finally conceived Ella in January of 2005.  So yeah I did learn a lesson, but I think when you want something so badly it's hard to accept it on someone else's terms.  I was thankful for Nicholas so that helped ease the obsession some.  

As far as Jack.  Oh Jack.  George did NOT want a third child.  At all, like at all, at all, but Jack was also conceived on Christmas day.  Odd yes, but it was intentionally.  I told George that the likelihood of me getting pregnant was VERY LOW (and it was, based on my cycle) but I asked him to let me try for my second Christmas miracle and I would never bring up the subject of a third child again.  Well, I guess you realize, God really did have a plan for us Tirches.  

And to Jack if you're reading this, Daddy may not have "wanted" you but that's only because he didn't know.  He, nor I, would trade you for the world and neither one of us is mad when there's a snow day!  

How did you decide it was the right time to have kids?  
Or if you don't, when do you think you'll know it will be the right time?


melissa cunningham said...

thank you so much for sharing this!!!! I can relate to this-and I LOVE snowdays with my kiddos too!
I am so sorry to hear of your losses ,but you have been blessed with 3 beautiful,healthy,happy children who enjoy snow days as much as their mommy!

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