Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Eff You Linda (Bikini Competition: 4 Weeks Removed)

I'm almost 4 weeks out from my bikini competition.  Wow, 4 weeks!  Time has gone by so quickly and I have done a lot of reflecting and wanted to "journal" my most current thoughts.  You can read all about the competition and the results here.

When the competition was first over and I discovered the results, I was obviously not happy. I was hell bent on finding out the judges critiques and figuring out what I did "wrong."  I was determined to  get redemption and already contemplating doing another show (spoiler alert I'm NOT doing another show).  So I sent my front pose and back pose pictures to the judge responsible for providing feedback and waited.

Here's the response I got:

"Hi Susan, Lean out more. Tighten your glutes and hamis and work on your posing.  Especially your back pose. Don't bend over so far.  Hope this helps.  Good luck to you.  Linda" 

Um, ok Linda!  What a joke!  These are my critiques that are supposed to help me improve?  Seriously?  This isn't even constructive feedback.  It's just a woman who spent probably 30 seconds looking at my pictures (God knows if she even remembered me) and typed up a 32 word response.

Her response was honestly exactly what I needed.  I was finally able to let everything go. Linda nor the other judges cared about me.  14.5% body fat wasn't lean enough.  I get it, I promise I do.  MOST bikini competitors are between 10 to 12 % body fat.   I wasn't lean enough by THEIR standards.  I was, however, lean enough by MINE.  Maybe I wasn't stage ready.  Maybe I had no business competing that day.  Who knows.  Who freaking cares!  I did something that pushed me so far outside my comfort zone, allowed myself to be vulnerable and I grew because of it.  There's no judge on earth that can evaluate that.

I've really thought long and hard about what I learned about myself during this journey.  It's totally NOT what I ever would have thought going into the prep.  While yes I learned that I was determined, I think I already knew that about myself.  I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I knew if I committed to it, I'd give it my all-- and I did.  My biggest fear going into it wasn't whether or not I could do the work (I knew I could).  I just didn't know if my body would cooperate quickly enough.  That was the scary part.

I'm super proud of myself for pushing "all in" and I give myself credit where credit is due but that's not the biggest take away from this.  Oddly enough what I learned about myself is that it's ok to be exactly who I am.  There will always be people who judge you, but what really matters is how you feel about yourself.  When I first put on that suit in the hotel room that day, my whole demeanor changed.  I was so happy and so proud of myself and all the hard work I had done.  I had transformed myself physically and I was satisfied and content with the work I had done.  I KNEW I had done pretty much all I could have done before stepping on stage that day.

So yes Linda, I COULD have leaned out more, I could have improved my glutes and hamis, and I could have had better posing, but I was the BEST ME I could have been THAT DAY.  I know this to be true and I can hold my head up high and say it.  So eff you Linda, because I don't need you (or anyone else) to validate me.


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